Everything Is Not Enough
By Lola Akinmade Åkerström
Mirrors are cruel.
They cut with truth. No sugar coating with compliments. They run honesty like blades across your skin. Slashing with each glance you cast their way. Each gaze revealing what you’ve let yourself become.
In the dark orange of dawn, while Stockholm quietly wakes one opaque winter morning, Kemi stands in front of her mirror. Her eyes travel her bare shoulders, still strong even though they haven’t seen weights in years. They roam over full breasts, across a soft stomach that never knew flatness. They move across wide hips and sturdy thighs. They journey her length, and return to rest on eyes beginning to lose their luster.
It had taken years to train those eyes to move lovingly over the curves they own.To smile with upturned lips at the space they take up with pride.
But this morning, those eyes are drowning as she stares at her reflection. A gasp of exasperation escapes her mouth. Her eyelids flutter shut at what she doesn’t want to face. That she nearly crossed the line with Ragnar, a married man. A man whose wife mirrors adore because society holds her up as its ideal.
“Heeejjj.” Tobias stirs in bed. He finds her standing in front of the room’s narrow mirror, running her palms over her naked skin. “What are you doing? Bring that beautiful body back to bed.”
“What I asked you,” Kemi starts. “Have you thought about it?”
“About what?” His question is punctuated by a yawn. “I need to sleep, you need to sleep.”
“What I asked you when I got home from the office Christmas party.”
“Seriously?”
She remains quiet. He curses under his breath.
“I can’t stay here anymore, Tobias.”
“Why? What happened?”
“Will you move back to the States with me or not?” She turns to him, locking eyes.
He meets her with a frown.“I thought you were joking.”
“I’m not.”
“I can’t deal with this right now. It’s too early.” Tobias repositions himself, dragging the covers over his head, wishing for sleep to claim him once more.
“I can’t stay in Sweden anymore.”
“Men herregud!” Good God! “Did something happen at that party? With your weird boss?”
Kemi shuts her eyes and shakes her head. No, not Jonny. Someone worse. She opens them to wipe away a few rogue tears.
“Just come back to bed, okay?” he begs her.
She shakes her head, violently this time, holding back tears. She had let Ragnar, her boss’s best friend, back her up against the elevator wall at the company Christmas party and consume her. They had desperately grabbed at each other then. She had allowed his tongue to devour hers.
And in that moment, she had wanted no one else. Not even her dear Tobias who now narrows his eyes at her in confusion.
“Move back with me!” she demands, her tears finally bursting through.“I’m not staying.”
She watches his eyebrows dip, replacing concern with anger, his brown eyes glaring at her. Then a slow shaking of his head.
“God, Kemi. I knew you were driven,” he starts. “I just never knew you were so selfish.”
Tobias rips off the covers, dresses and leaves.
***
Kemi pulls her coat tighter as she strolls up Birger Jarlsgatan toward work on Monday morning, her head bent low against the heavy snow shower. She isn’t sure why she’s going to work today. She should have called in sick. Made up an excuse. Anything to avoid going in to face them all, to face him.
Snowflakes settle on her plum-colored lips. Kemi blows them off, taking a deep breath once she gets to the building. Another long breath as an anchor, then she pushes that hefty historic wooden door belonging to von Lundin Marknadsföring AB.
The elevator doors open to silence. Colleagues mill around quietly, grabbing coffee, looking through documents, no one glancing her way. Even the receptionist who normally gives her a forced smile busies himself flipping through papers. She draws her coat in tighter, her head held high, and struts past him, her heart beating faster.
As she strides past cubicles, heads duck away. Eyes, which often hold contact, divert themselves. They all know. One source has contaminated them all like a virus. She wonders if they look past him too. She walks past his cubicle, though she doesn’t really expect him to be there. Clever of him. She’s beginning to settle into the fact that she makes the dumbest moves for a smart girl.
Once at her desk, she closes her eyes for more strength before taking off her coat.
“Kemi.” She stops mid-task and turns to Ingrid’s voice. Head of Human Resources. Kemi remains silent. “Jonny has called off our morning meeting,” Ingrid continues before stepping into her space. Kemi nods. “He isn’t coming into the office today.” Kemi bobs her head once more.
“Thanks for the intel.” Kemi meets her gaze. Ingrid holds hers. Kemi swallows.“Is that all?”
“Once you get settled, can I have a word with you?”
“Is it important?” Kemi asks. Ingrid’s silence confirms its gravity. “Umm, sure.We can have it now if you want.”
A few minutes later, they sit in the boardroom where Ingrid first introduced her to her senior management colleagues over two years ago. Ingrid cradles a mug of coffee. Kemi opts for water, her mouth dry.
“I like you, Kemi. I really do.” Ingrid links her fingers and leans forward.
Kemi sinks deeper into her chair. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“He’s married. He has a daughter. His wife is pregnant.” Ingrid’s glare remains trained on her.
“I’m not having an affair with Ragnar.” Kemi muffles out the words.
“So what happened? What did I see?” Ingrid leans back and rests her linked fingers on her stomach.
“We were both drunk. It was a stupid mistake. It will never happen again.” Kemi’s voice hovers above a whisper. “I swear to you.”
“It can’t happen again, Kemi. You both work together on one of our biggest accounts. It’s unethical and could jeopardize it.”
“I know, I know.”
“Now everyone thinks you’re both having an affair,” Ingrid says with a shrug.
“Because of you.” Kemi’s voice pitches with irritation. Clearly, Ingrid must have started the rumors after catching them.
“Me?” Ingrid’s eyes widen at her accusation.
“Yes! You could have asked me first before spreading rumors about—”
“I saw you kissing a married man,” Ingrid cuts her off firmly. “Louise saw you leave with him in a taxi. She saw you holding hands.” She sharply sucks in air.“The picture fits.”
“I swear to you, Ingrid,” Kemi’s voice sinks lower, “we’re not having an affair.”
“Maybe you should work from home this week,” Ingrid says, lowering her voice too.
“I’m not going to hide away. I made one mistake. I’m not going to be judged by it forever.” Kemi can feel herself begin to unravel. “I think it’s best if you work from home this week,” Ingrid repeats.
Ingrid holds her gaze before lifting the scalding mug to her lips.
Kemi bites her own lips instead. Arrogance isn’t going to get her anywhere.
“Fine.” Kemi admits defeat, rising to her feet. “Fine.” She turns to go.
“Kemi,” Ingrid calls out once more. Kemi looks back in wordless angst.“Jonny wants you both in London next week.”
“London?”
Her skin heats up. She catches Ingrid’s eyes scanning her face for a reaction. A business trip with Ragnar. Kemi switches into neutral.“What’s happening in London?”
“He’s buying a design startup and wants you there,” Ingrid explains.“You know, for diversity and inclusion.”
“Diversity and inclusion?” Kemi repeats, her eyebrows arching upwards.“You mean just show my Black face there?”
“To assess the startup from that angle,” Ingrid clarifies. “The owner is a young intelligent Black woman like yourself.” Kemi purses her lips in response.“Jonny thinks you two might connect.”
“So let me get this straight,” Kemi starts. “Jonny is buying a company next week. I am being summoned to just appear in person because the owner is Black when I wasn’t involved at any stage of the acquisition process. Am I getting this right?”
The air shifts and she reads Ingrid’s agitation. “The other directors and I didn’t think you needed to be involved until now,” she says. “Especially since Ragnar is leading the acquisition on Jonny’s behalf.”
“I see.” With no more words for Ingrid, she spins on her heels and heads toward the door.
“No one has told Jonny yet,” Ingrid calls out to her before she pushes the door open.“About you and Ragnar,” she adds. “I’m not sure he can handle it.”
“I appreciate your concern, but the world doesn’t revolve around him. I’m tired of being schooled,” Kemi says in exasperation.“Plus, there is no me and Ragnar—”
“They’re best friends,” Ingrid interrupts. Kemi peers at her. “Stay away from Ragnar. For your own sake.”
Excerpt from “Everything is Not Enough” copyright © 2023 by Lolá Ákínmádé Åkerström. Published by Head of Zeus.
About the book: Can a career woman truly have it all? Can you run from your past to have it all? Can having it all be a gilded cage?
From Lola Akinmade Åkerström, international bestselling author of In Every Mirror She’s Black, comes the highly anticipated second novel, Everything is Not Enough, following the loosely intertwined and messy lives of Kemi, Brittany, and Yasmiin as they interrogate life and love in Sweden.
***
Nigerian-American and based in Sweden, Lolá Ákínmádé Åkerström is an award-winning author, speaker, and photographer. Her work has appeared in National Geographic Traveler, BBC, CNN, Guardian, Sunday Times Travel, Daily Telegraph, New York Times, Travel + Leisure, Slate, Travel Channel, Adventure Magazine and Lonely Planet, amongst others. In addition to contributing to several books, she is the author of the following books: 2018 Lowell Thomas Award winner for best travel book Due North and bestselling LAGOM: Swedish Secret of Living Well, available in 18 foreign language editions. She has been recognized with multiple awards for her work, including 2018 Travel Photographer of the Year Bill Muster Award, and she was honoured with a MIPAD 100 (Most Influential People of African Descent) Award within media and culture in 2018.
You can read our interview with Lolá Ákínmádé Åkerström here
