Only Big Bumbum Matters Tomorrow
By Damilare Kuku
Your bumbum has always been flat.
You stared, as usual, hoping that some fat had miraculously found its way into it. In your midi midnight-blue lace dress, you looked at your slender frame in the full-length mirror that stood next to your bed. You lifted one hand to clutch both breasts and touched the small of your back with the other. If only your ass was bigger, your tiny waist would have been a magnet for compliments. You dropped both hands and sighed. This was your morning ritual. For yourself. For your sanity. For your sense of somebodiness.
You looked at the window opposite your bed and made a mental note to dust it and wash the curtains that hung loosely by its sides.
You thought about what you planned to do. You thought about your family.
You sighed again.
How do you inform your family members that you intend to surgically enlarge your buttocks without receiving a barrage of curses? How do you slip it into a conversation with Màámi that you intend to relocate to Lagos to meet the man who will love you senseless? How do you tell your older sister, who, until a week ago, you hadn’t seen in five years, that you are hoping to stay in her Lagos apartment while you recover from surgery, maybe even stay a few more months? How?
These questions had been nagging at you since you decided to take the big step to redeem your backside. Time was not your friend; you needed to make the announcement quickly if you were to cash in on the new Easter discount you had seen on Instagram yesterday. The advertisement was clear and straight to the point:
Laydiz, this is for you!
This offer lasts till the end of the month.
So, if you really want to enter Easter with a snatched body,
now is the time to go for it.
For my slim laydiz, BBL is possible!
For my thick laydiz, BBL is possible!
Fillers, BBL, nonsurgical butt lift . . . this clinic has got you!
Don’t go to where they will not shape your yansh well o.
You loved the hearty salesmanship of the clinic’s brand ambassador, even with her confusing accent and nude-glossed lips that parted to reveal the whitest teeth you had ever seen. She probably had veneers. You beamed at your phone using the screen as a mirror to assess your own teeth. They were not shockingly white, but white enough, thanks to your mother who brushed your teeth with pákò when you were a child, before using a toothbrush with toothpaste.Good personal hygiene was a virtue that was nonnegotiable for Màámi. Her favourite quote had always been “A woman’s parts should be clean and her breath fresh.” She would scold you mildly whenever she noticed a speck of imperfection. “Témì, I can still see the soap on your body. Go back and give yourself another rinse. Ládùn, go and supervise your sister.” Most times, the supervision ended in a splashing contest between you and your sister, until one of your parents broke it off. It was of utmost importance that you scrubbed thoroughly with kànrìnkàn and rinsed with water.
The bumbum-enlargement advert continued playing. The presenter, Sylvia Osuji, an alumna of your university, was now an influencer. She spoke glowingly of the ongoing Easter offer, sharing with great enthusiasm how she saved up for her surgery, how her decision to go under the knife was the best she had ever made, and how her ass now attracted the high-and-mighty. “Use what you have to get what you want,” she crowed. Sylvia was an acquaintance from your university days, so you had no qualms about going to a clinic she had recommended. While Sylvia was a year ahead of you, she had never been high on the social ladder and mostly stayed in the shadows. However, since graduating, she had been winning in every circle, all because of that new ass.
Excerpt from “Only Big Bum Bum Matters Tomorrow” copyright © 2024 by Damilare Kuku. Published by Simon Schuster.
About the book: A “wise, funny, irresistible” (Shelf Awareness) debut novel about family secrets, judgmental aunties, and Brazilian butt lifts, from the author of the internationally bestselling story collection Nearly All the Men in Lagos Are Mad.
In Nigerian families, none of your business is private. Not even if it's about your bumbum.
Freshly out of Obafemi Awolowo University, 20-year-old Temi has a clear plan for her future: she is going to surgically enlarge her backside like all the other Nigerian women, move from Ile-Ife to Lagos, and meet a man who will love her senseless.
But when she finally finds the courage to tell her mother, older sister, and aunties, her announcement causes an uproar. As each of the other women try to cure Temi of what seems like temporary insanity, they begin to spill long-buried secrets, including the truth of Temi’s older sister’s mysterious disappearance five years earlier.
In the end, it seems like Temi might be the sanest of them all…
In Only Big Bumbum Matters Tomorrow, Damilare Kuku brings her signature humor, boldness, and compassion to each member of this loveable but exasperating family, whose lives reveal the ways in which a woman’s physical appearance can dictate her life and relationships and show just how sharp the double-edged sword of beauty can be.
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Damilare Kuku is a creative artist who has worked as a radio presenter, scriptwriter, film producer, Nollywood actress, and director. She is the author of the story collection Nearly All the Men in Lagos Are Mad and the novel Only Big BumBum Matters Tomorrow..
You can read our interview with Damilare Kuku here
